For the first time in Forever | Download Show MP3
[divider]Alejandro | Download Show MP3
[divider]Crying for No Reason | Download Show MP3
[divider]Believe | Download Show MP3
[divider]Let it Go | Download Show MP3
[divider]Shine | Download Show MP3
[divider]Pitch Perfect Bellas Finale | Download Show MP3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNSx1RdPl04
FIRST HALF ACT
Script Revision: April 3rd 2014
[cue X-Factor music]
Curtains open. Wait for applause to die.
DERMOT: Thank you… Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen. We are live on ITV and your F Factor weekend starts right here!
This week the F Factor arrives in Frinton on Sea where the public have been queuing for days, eager to show just what they are made of.
Can they impress our panel of judges? They’re pretty hard to please. Let’s get them out here and find out. It’s the F Factor judges!
[cue Judges Music]
Judges walk out holding hands as a three
DERMOT:Amanda Golden! …. Booie Walsh …. and your favourite… Simon Fowl.
Judges take their seats
How are you judges? Have you had a good week?
Judges shrug disinterested in what Dermot is saying
DERMOT: Alright, we kick off this week with an act all the way from… (looks at clipboard) well… across the road.
Alice enters the stage
AMANDA: What’s your name, sweetie?
ALICE: My name’s Alice
AMANDA: And why are you auditioning for us today, Alice?
ALICE: My nan lives across the road and she’s cooking the Sunday dinner.
AMANDA: Oh, and what’s your act, lovely?
ALICE: I’m going to sing for you.
AMANDA: Okay. When you’re ready. Good luck.
Alice nods to music manager
[ CUE ALICE SONG – For The First Time In Forever ]
Applause
DERMOT: Okay. Settle down people. Judges, what did you think? Amanda?
AMANDA: I loved the song choice. I loved the outfit. I’m really lost for words.
Simon and Booie look in disagreement and disbelief at Amanda’s comments.
DERMOT: Thank you, Amanda. Alice, you must be happy with that comment.
ALICE: (Nods) Can I go now? I’m hungry.
DERMOT: Ohhh kayyy. A great start to the show. Thank you very much. Give it up for Alice.
ALICE walks off waving
DERMOT: Alright. Next up we have an act I know Simon will just love.
Rosie enters dragging her dog
SIMON: What’s your name, darling?
ROSIE: My name’s Rosie.
SIMON: And who’s your friend? (motions to dog)
ROSIE: His name is Stuffy
SIMON: Is Stuffy okay. He doesn’t look too well.
ROSIE: You’ll see. He barks every time I play my song.
SIMON: (takes a deep breath, raises eyebrows) Okay. Good luck.
[CUE ROSIE – HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW]
Applause
DERMOT: Great stuff. Simon, what are your thoughts?
SIMON: I don’t know where to start. Honestly, I couldn’t tell if you were a dance duo, or you were just dusting the stage.
ROSIE: (Strokes dog). It’s okay Stuffy, he’s just mean.
BOOIE: It’s okay Rosie. You’re right, Simon is mean!
Simon looks at Booie as if to say “whatever”, shaking head and shrugging.
BOOIE: What? You are!
DERMOT: Errm. Right. Thank you judges. Is there anything you’d like to add, Rosie?
ROSIE: (Pretends Stuff is whispering to her and looks at Simon). Stuffy says you’re just lucky you’re not a lamp post.
DERMOT: Okay, thank you. Give it up for Rosie, ladies and gentlemen.
Applause
DERMOT: Our next act is a real character and says she’s travelled all the way from the U, S, of A.
Enter GA GA OOH RA RA
BOOIE: Hello, what’s your name?
GA GA OOH RA RA: My name’s Sharon, but my friends call me Ga Ga Ooh Ra Ra.
BOOIE: Really!? Great name. You know, it’s important to have a great name. When we were naming Westlife, we were ….
GA GA OOH RA RA: (cuts off Booie) I don’t have time for this (motions to music manager).
[CUE GA GA OOH RA RA SONG – ALEJANDRO ]
DERMOT: Wow!… Wow!… Speechless. Booie?
BOOIE: She was dreadful (sits there, nothing more to say, arms folded).
AMANDA: Booie!!!
DERMOT: Ga Ga Ooh Ra Ra, you don’t look very upset by that comment?
GA GA OOH RA RA: This is my poker face, baby. I use it all the time with the paparazzi.
DERMOT: Errm. Is that something you’ve developed over the years?
GA GA OOH RA RA: I was born this way, honey. (gives attitude head flick and walks off).
DERMOT: Well, this week’s auditions are certainly off to a flying start. Let’s hope our next act, a dance group, also lives up the hype being generated backstage.
Enter DiNursery
AMANDA: Awww, bless. They’re just adorable. Hello girls. What do you call yourself?
JASMINE: DiNursery
SIMON: DiNursery? You mean like the dance act, Diversity?
JASMINE: They copied us.
SIMON: Well that told me. Best of luck.
[ CUE DINURSERY DANCE TO SHOOP SHOOP SONG ]
DERMOT: Over to our judges. Simon?
SIMON: Look. It started poorly, the middle was terrible and the end rubbish. Other than that it was fine. You couldn’t even do a single thing in time.
DERMOT: Ooh, harsh comments there from Simon, girls. Anything to add?
DINURSERY GIRLS: (All make W signs) Whatever!!!! (walk off)
DERMOT: Well there we have it. Another one bites the dust. Our next act will hopefully give the judges something to smile about.
Enter Kacie T
AMANDA: Oh hello. What’s your name?
KACIE T: My name’s Kacie T.
AMANDA: What does the T stand for?
KACIE T: (makes over dramatic rainbow motion with hands) TALENT!!
AMANDA(looking surprised) Oh. Okay. Best of luck.
[ CUE KACIE T SONG – CRYING FOR NO REASON ]
DERMOT: Loving it. Judges comments please.
AMANDA: Oh I’m just speechless. Your voice is so lovely. It reminded me of cute fluffy kittens…
SIMON: Yeah, being strangled.
DERMOT: Thank you judges. It seems someone got out of the wrong side of bed this morning. Let’s hear it for Kacie, everyone.
KACIE T leaves the stage waving
DERMOT: Okay, moving on… Our next act is back for another go after being told last year she was too old for this competition. Welcome back. What’s your name?
PRIMROSE: Mike.
DERMOT: Mike? You’re a girl.
PRIMROSE: Mike. (points to Microphone and grabs it from Dermot).
PRIMROSE: I’m Primrose and I’m going to sing a song written by my grandad. I’d appreciate some hush. Music please.
[CUE PRIMROSE SONG]
PRIMROSE walks off stage, giving Dermot back his microphone
DERMOT: Errrm. Thank you Primrose. Judges?
BOOIE: What just happened? You wouldn’t see Westlife doing this type of thing. (looks flustered)
DERMOT: Right. Thank you, Booie. Okay. Our final act before the commercial break is guaranteed to send you to sleep.
The Great Zee Zee enters the stage
SIMON: Right, let’s get this over with. Who are you and why should I sit and watch you?
THE GREAT ZEE ZEE: My name is The Great Zee Zee and I command you to sit.
SIMON: I am sitting. Whatever?! Just get on with it.
Volunteers enter stage
THE GREAT ZEE ZEE: (To audience) For my audition I will show you the true power of the human mind.
The Great Zee Zee turns back to face volunteers and starts using a pocket watch to hypnotise the girls one at a time, left to right. The girl far right just sits there, looking bored.
THE GREAT ZEE ZEE: Ladies and gentlemen, some people can not be hypnotised. Maybe because they have very tiny brains..
GIRL ON END: Do you want to use my watch?
THE GREAT ZEE ZEE: No. I do not. Instead I shall show you my power. (addresses hypnotised girls). On the count of three, you will believe you are chickens. One… Two… Three!
hypnotised girls start acting like chickens
THE GREAT ZEE ZEE: And stop. Sit. Sleep.
Girls sit down and go back to sleep on the word Sleep.
The Great Zee Zee goes to the girl on the end again and tries to hypnotise her again. The girl just shrugs and looks bored.
THE GREAT ZEE ZEE: Okay. (turns back to three that are asleep) Now when I count to three this time you will believe you are the F Factor judges. One… Two… Three!
Girls make X motions by crossing their arms and buzzer sound loudly, over and over.
THE GREAT ZEE ZEE: And sleep!
Girls go back to sleep. The Great Zee Zee goes back to end girl and tries again, one last time.
THE GREAT ZEE ZEE: Why do you not sleep? Sleep for The Great Zee Zee, little girl with tiny brain. SLEEP!
GIRL ON END: I don’t want to. I…. WILL… NOT…. SLEEP (says sleep loudly, almost shouting)
The Great Zee Zee and judges all go to sleep, the Great Zee Zee standing up.
Dermot looks around concerned, motions to curtain manager, and addresses the audience.
DERMOT: Errm, sorry ladies and gentlemen. We appear to have a slight technical problem. We’ll be back for part two of the F Factor after this short commercial break.
[CUE END OF FIRST HALF X FACTOR MUSIC]
[divider]SECOND HALF ACT
[CUE THEME MUSIC RETURNING FROM BREAK]
Applause
DERMOT: Welcome back. Now we have a real treat for you. Last year’s winner and an artist who has sold dozens of copies worldwide. Leona Looselips!!!!!!!!!!!
[CUE LEONA SONG]
DERMOT: Now Leona. It must be great being back on the show. How has the last year been for you? Do people now stop you in the street?
LEONA: Oh, it’s amazing. Even today, I was on my way here and this man came up and asked if I’d had an accident or fall in the last three years then wanted my autograph. He even had a clipboard ready! It was awesome!
DERMOT: (raising eyebrows gesture) Ooooh kay…. Errm, Leona everybody!
Applause
And on with the show. Our next act is a local favourite and go by the name of the Jackson Road Clacton Five.
Jackson Road Clacton Five enter.
BOOIE: Hold on a minute. You three look familiar. Didn’t we see you earlier?
The girls shake their heads and Simon looks confused, looking at Amanda and Booie.
SIMON: Oh whatever (girls make W signs). Just get on with it.
[CUE JACKSON ROAD CLACTON FIVE DANCE – ROCKIN’ ROBIN]
DERMOT: Simon?
SIMON: Honestly girls. All I can say is that I think you just invented a new type of torture.
Girls make W (whatever) sign and walk off again with attitude.
DERMOT: (under his breath) This really isn’t going well. Okay, ladies and gentlemen….
Beryl enters the stage
DERMOT: (looking confused) Who are you?
BERYL: I’m Beryl. Are we too early for the bingo?
SIMON: Oh man. Look Beryl. Bingo was cancelled today. We hired the hall, now please get off the stage.
BERYL: Are you sure? My Bert said it was on. He even came with me for once. He never comes out. Just sits at home watching his Wild at Heart DVDs.
Oh! Hey, I know you. You’re that David Hassled-Off.
Simon puts his head in his hands.
BERYL: And you. (looks at Amanda)
You’re that woman on Bert’s DVDs. Bert! You wait until I get you home!
Beryl spots Booie
BERYL (cont.) Oh! Oh! Booie! Ooh, I don’t think my ticker can take much more of this. Oh Booie, I dream about you every night. This is a dream come true!
Booie clasps his hands around his face smiling and trying not to laugh
SIMON: What on earth is going on?
BERYL: Well, I’m sorry… David. It appears my Bert has tricked me. He’s come to see her, don’t ya know. I don’t mind though, I got to see my Booie.
AMANDA: Where’s Bert now?
BERYL: He’s back there (pointing at curtain)
AMANDA: Bring him out! Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Bert enters the stage, waving to Amanda shyly.
AMANDA: Hi Bert.
Bert waves shyly.
AMANDA: Is that true? You came to see me?
BERT: I actually prepared a little song for you. Do you want to hear it?
AMANDA: I’d love to Bert, but we don’t have time. Sorry.
BERT: Okay, thanks.
Bert doesn’t appear to hear Amanda and motions to music manager
AMANDA: No Bert, I said no…. (shrugs and takes a deep breath). Oh why not?!
[CUE OBVIOUSLY SO MACHO]
SIMON: (looking annoyed) Can somebody get them off of the stage? We don’t have much time. Dermot, speed it up please.
DERMOT: (looking back stage) Any more? No? Okay. Bring out our next act please.
DERMOT: Right. Our next act.. our final act… should appeal to all ages. At least I really hope so. It’s Elsa, ladies and gentlemen!
Enter Princess Elsa
[CUE LET IT GO BY ELSA]
DERMOT: Simon, surely you must like that one?
SIMON: Look Dermot, this has just been a terrible day. I just want to go home.
Noises start coming from back stage, getting louder.
SIMON: Oh what now?
Everyone rejoins the stage.
SIMON: Security!
PERFORMERS: We’re going nowhere. You didn’t give us a fair chance.
SIMON:Look, sorry you lot, but I’m going to have to call security. There simply isn’t any talent in Frinton. Even inside the gates. To be honest, WE could do better than all of you.
PERFORMERS:Prove it! Yeah, prove it!
Simon, Booie and Amanda all look at each other and motion as if discussing it.
SIMON: If we prove it will you leave?
PERFORMERS: (look around at each other, nodding). Okay, sounds fair.
SIMON: (nods) Okay.
Girls go and sit down at the back of the stage, while Simon, Booie and Amanda get ready.
[CUE JUDGES SONG – THE KETCHUP SONG]
Simon, Booie, and Amanda then proceed to perform, while the group laugh and point, getting the audience to boo. Three of the group take the judges seats and ‘X’ them off towards the end of their song.
SIMON: Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting that. It reminds me of the time Jedward played The Westcliff Theatre, Clacton.
BOOIE:(suddenly looking interested) The Westlife theatre?
SIMON: Westcliff, Booie. West… Cliff!. Look, it’s obviously harder than it looks, so I’m sorry. No hard feelings?
AMANDA: I really liked them. All of them in fact. Let’s give them another go!
SIMON: We’ve only got the hall until 6, we don’t have time to go through that again.
AMANDA: How about if we let them perform as a group?
BOOIE: A group? You mean like Westlife?
Performers start talking amongst themselves
SIMON: Really Booie? Really? One more word about Westlife and I’ll…..
Look, never mind. Okay, fair enough, a group might just work. What do you say? Are you up for another go?
PERFORMER: Look, we’re no group, we’d need time to rehearse.
SIMON: Time? No problem. I’ll give you five minutes. Take it or leave it!
BOOIE: Five minutes is enough. I can help you. Did I tell you about the time I was managing Boyzone? We even did the theme song……
PERFORMER: (cutting off Booie) We’ll take it!
Performers leave stage area with Booie
DERMOT: Okay. There you have it people. One final performance to answer the question for once and for all. Has Frinton got talent?
AMANDA: Didn’t you say you were from Frinton, Dermot?
DERMOT: Why, yes I did, Amanda.. thanks for….
SIMON: (cutting off Dermot) Then the answer is no(sarcastically). Frinton doesn’t have talent!
DERMOT: Just so you know, Simon, I can sing, dance, present terrible TV shows. Dermot O’Lairy can do it all. You just don’t give me the chance to show you. In fact… allow me to demonstrate. Stage manager… (motions to stage manager).
SIMON(looking at Amanda): Now look what you’ve done. (Amanda shrugs).
AMANDA:(clasps hands around face) Oh boy! I’d rather sing again than listen to this.
SIMON: (resigned to doing it). Really? Oh why not!
Amanda and Simon leave stage to join group.
DERMOT: (looking excited) This is going to be great. Finally, MY time to shine!
[CUE DERMOT SONG – SHINE]
Applause
DERMOT: Woah. That was great! Errm. Anyway.. Okay… (motions as though listening to earpiece), I’m hearing backstage we’re ready to go. Ladies and Gentlemen.. for one final time, I’m proud to announce..
(motions to ear piece again as though confused) The Frinton F Factor Losers!
[CUE FINAL GROUP PERFORMANCE – PITCH PERFECT BELLAS FINALE]
Lights down, curtains close. Applause. Dermot comes out of curtains.
DERMOT: Yeah! Keep it going, ladies and gentlemen (motions clapping). How about that.
As applause dies.
DERMOT: What do you think audience? Has Frinton got the F Factor? (wait for audience reaction).
I suppose there’s only one thing left to do…
Ladies and gentlemen… for one final time… I am proud to present… the girls (and boys) of Spotlight Youth Theatre Company.
[CUE VIVA FOREVER – SPICE GIRLS]
END.